"Ayudame"

11x15 Watercolor Pad Mixed Media --- ****TRIGGER WARNING**** The following text contains graphic context on topics such as suicide, sexual abuse, violence, drugs, mental health, and more. I will also be going into detail about the meaning behind this piece. Honestly, this is one of the most emotionally visceral paintings I have ever worked on. --- "Ayúdame" This was the last text message my mom sent to her partner before attempting to commit suicide by hanging on December 30th, 2015. She passed on the 31st at the hospital. In spanish, Ayudame, means Help Me. --- I received the vision of this painting piece by piece over the period of December 1, 2021 and completing it on January 7, 2022. Every year since our mom's passing, a deep wave of grief hits me around this time. The first day of the month reminding me that it's December and the impact it had on our entire family the first week after her passing. With this painting I want to transmute all of the pain, sorrow, grief, trauma, karmic cycles including generational, and every little thing that has fragmented us. My birth name is Bryan Isaac Hernandez, I am 27 years old at the time of writing this. I have endured depravity and at times, it feels like I have no mouth and I must scream. ---

In the painting, I used a noose as the mirror to reflect the genderless silhouette facing the noose itself. The background painted in a hazy grey reflecting the mental state when in contemplation of suicide. The watery blue; a pool of internalized tears that fall from the silhouette when exposed to blacklight. On the chest, rests a teardrop depicting the immense grief that weeps within. A waterdrop much larger than tears can express. The cracked glass in the corners representing the fragmented psyche and behind the glass is heavenly light pouring from beyond. A broken mind, body, and spirit. Lastly, the neon colored blobs in the middle; dissolution in its liquid like state and death. With a gentle smile filled sorrow. --- In 2010, I was going to attempt suicide. I was still in high school at the time and had spent the whole day in silence throughout my classes as I contemplated suicide once I got home. By the end of the school day, I had decided I was going to make it as difficult as possible to bring me back to life. I intended on grabbing all the pills in our cabinets, a knife, and a rope. I had already envisioned myself in my home's bathroom, locking the door, downing pills, slitting my wrists, and hanging myself. I was only 16 years old at the time, but I saw no way out and I wanted my life as I knew it, to end. As I was walking towards the entrance of the school, I stopped at the gate right before reaching my school bus. In that split moment, I thought about my mom and sisters at home and the devastation of my act. I turned to the left and went inside the front office and walked straight to the counselor. I was no longer speaking at this point and had to gesture what was wrong with me. The woman gave me a clipboard and told me to fill it out when I get home and come back the next day since it was already closing hours. I nodded in disagreement and checked the first box which stated I intended on harming myself. Immediately, she looked at me with genuine concern and asked me to explain. I wrote to her that if I left home, I would commit suicide. My mom was called to the school and I started crying as the counselor explained to her why I was there. I was admitted to a youth's psychiatric hospital for 1 week that same night where I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and put on Prozac for 1 month after my discharge. What brought me to that point was years of being abused sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally as a child and never having a voice. Growing up in Miami, FL had also been a traumatic experience itself. I was surrounded by predatory relatives, dysfunctional relationships, drug abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, gang violence, crime, and terror for the first 11 years of my life. I was living with both my biological parents up until I was 8 years old. My dad was the dominant authority figure in the house, by force. My parents married young as my mom was a first generation migrant from Honduras and came to the states at 15 years old. By 19 she was pregnant with me, unplanned. My dad abused my mom and I for years. I was too young to understand what drunk meant and so I could never really figure out if it was while intoxicated or not. It was a norm at some point in my life to be beat and see my mom have her life threatened continuously. There were instances where I walked in on my dad choking my mom with a towel in the bedroom and breaking into tears. When they realized, they stopped and came to me and pretended nothing was happening. My first exposure to death was when my dad pulled me to the backside of the apartment complex we lived at, in front of a canal. He pulled out a BB gun with metal bullets and shot a turtle dove. He told me to grab it and because I was hesitant, he grew angry with me and grabbed it himself and shoved it in my face. Scolding me that animals have no value. I held the bird in my hands as it was gasping for air from its wound and couldn’t move. My dad then grabbed the bird and threw it over the fence into the canal. I began sobbing immensely at everything that transpired and couldn't find the words to react. In the midst of his down spiraling behavior, he came in close to my ear and asked me if I approve of him killing my mom to get rid of her the same way. I began crying & grieving like I had already lost my mom. Regularly, my mom's checks from work were taken from him. Leaving us with no money to pay for food or afford to live at times. There was a point in time where I asked my mom what the Jesus on the cross meant that we had hanging on the wall. She told me that we should pray to him for help, which we did often. So I then asked "Why isn't he helping us now? I don't want to hurt anymore." She broke down crying and hugged me. My mom filed restraining orders after various incidents with my dad and after my elementary school intervened. We moved to a shelter for some time for safety. At 5 years old, my beautiful little sister was born. My mom was a single working mother who now had two kids to look after. Growing up, I was always reminded of how much I resembled my dad. In those moments, I didn't feel safety with my mother figure either. I would get severely beaten for mistakes and degraded. I always felt worthless, but I still loved her because I experienced the pain she endured and I couldn't recognize another reality where I wasn't getting beaten. For the child me, this was how my mother loved me because she still provided for my sister and I. Through all the hardships, I had the best mom and I wouldn't have chosen differently. She was intelligent, loving, kind, and always tried her best to understand her kids and provide for us. We will always cherish every moment. She was our best friend, our sister, mom, dad, and so much more all in one. Between the ages of 8-16, I witnessed family members & their social circles engage in abusive behavior with their partners, substance abuse (cocaine, crack, alcohol, meth, heroine, etc.), relatives & neighbors getting involved in gangs, murder, drug dealing, fraud, preying on the young, and overall living extremely dysfunctional lifestyles. To the young, they encouraged the imitation of their behavior. Exposing us to sex, pornography, adult themes, making us, the kids, to fight each other to learn physical aggression, and so many soul corrupting perspectives. One of the lowest points in my life as a child was picking up a cigarette bud at 8 years old and trying to smoke it. From elementary to high school, I was constantly bullied for being too feminine and for being raised in an all-female household, for my weight, for not being able to afford clothes or shoes, for how I dressed even when I finally had new clothes, for my inability to communicate or socialize, and god knows how many more other reasons. All of these factors led up to my first suicide attempt in 2010. I wanted my life as I knew it, to end. This painting brought up a lot of traumatic experiences in vivid detail and reminded me of the many times I contemplated suicide at the lowest points in my life. While absolutely breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably within the confines of my home. In the first week after my mom's passing, the mother of the person I was dating at the time told me over the phone that my family deserved it, my father prided himself as a devout Christian and stated that my mom deserves to go to hell for committing suicide(in front of a social worker), I had to explain to my youngest sister, who was 5 years old at the time, about what happened to our mom, we held the funeral, the next day was my first day I was transferring to another college and starting classes. It also began a lot of rifts & conflicts within the family and has been ongoing till this day. In 2016, I was raped on two occasions by a male I trusted that preyed on my period of grief. By 2017, I had lost count of how many more times this person sexually abused me. While painting, this actually tore me down because I couldn't remember how many times I had been sexually assaulted. I didn't want to relive every moment by forcing myself to remember as it was already taking a toll. This person is no longer in my life and I have no idea of their whereabouts since December 2017. My mind, body, and spirit was broken. I struggled with my sexuality for years because of this. I knew I was not attracted to males, but the gaslighting, violation of my boundaries and of my body destroyed my mental & emotional wellbeing. I was dead inside. I wanted to commit suicide, but I held on for my sisters. In that same year, I began working at a global security & transportation company where I worked my way to becoming a Special Operations Manager. My responsibilities included private investigations, intelligence/detail briefings, providing transportation services around the world for high profile clients, assigning agents and security, handling confidential information, and signing years long NDAs that prevents me from going any further. This job destroyed my perception of the corporate world, politics, and reality as a whole. The experience was so reality shattering that I came home one day and broke down in front of my family after working 21 days straight of chaos with no days off. After a year and a half of working there, I contemplated suicide. Every time I contemplated suicide, I always thought about hanging myself and so the noose became a really uncomfortable detail to stare at for long periods of time. At one point before I started working on this piece, I pondered on the idea of creating a noose at home and standing in front of it. I feared I would get into some sort of freak accident and hang myself, so I didn’t. Staring into this painting was enough. Life has always felt like the rug is always being pulled from beneath my feet. I can thankfully say I'm at a period in my life now where I am genuinely content with everything I work on. Even if I haven't been able to feel safe & secure in a long time, I know one day it will be inevitable I do. And I look forward to it. I feel blessed to have made it this far. All of these experiences have taught me valuable life lessons. Learning about boundaries, learning to socialize, to trust, to love myself, to recognize behavioral patterns to not repeat the same mistakes, to cry, feel, laugh, and to be free of torment. I've learned to be happy being by myself. To be cautious with who I share my energy with platonically, romantically, sexually. To continue to grow and develop as a person. To cherish my sisters, my god-family. To protect and take care of my body. To break the cycle of people pleasing, putting myself last, and overextending my energy to people. To recognize when I'm being love bombed and gaslit and to not do the same. To figure out someone's intentions before letting them integrate themselves into my life. To be mindful of others boundaries as well. To be gentle with myself even when I falter in how i express myself. I yearn to cultivate healthier relationships and that inspires me even if I have no idea what I'm doing. I've learned to distance myself from unhealthy connections with people so that I am not taken for granted or advantage of. I'm thankful to have such an amazing support group who I have been able to talk about these things with. The radiant love from my sisters and god family. For my counselors, therapists, & psychologists in school for believing in me. I've been empowered by finding my core traits. Recognizing that I am Sapio-Demisexual. Committing to celibacy as way of regaining control over my body and setting firm boundaries with myself & my relationship with sex. Being sure of what my wants and needs are. Allowing myself to freely express through my clothing, art, voice, music, passions. Freeing myself from judgement, shame, guilt, imposter syndrome, sorrow, grief, unworthiness. I've been empowered by Lukumi, my father Eleggua, and Ochun, my elder's crown household. I thank Ayahuasca eternally and the Amazon rainforest & its indigenous inhabitants. Immense gratitude to Mother Gaia for the human experience. But most importantly, to live & forgive. I am learning as an individual every day, but I'm grateful to still be here. Please check in with your loved ones. Resolve your conflicts, miscommunication, tensions with others. Treat one another kindly & just. I promise everything always gets better. "Ayudame." "Ayudame, por favor" were my mom's last words as I slept that night unaware of what was transpiring outside my bedroom window. Mom, I pray your soul finally rests in peace. It's always this time of the year I feel the closest to your spirit. Please ease your crying. You raised wonderful kids and I have the best sisters anyone could ever ask for. Even if I don't belong within my family, it is always my sisters that I wake up for, just like you did for us every day. I pray my family & friends find it in them to seek help. God, please forgive us. Please take care of my mom and alleviate her spirit. --- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255